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the new fireside chats vol. 2 (knowledge without wisdom and free porn) r:(laughing) i started the tape on play instead of record. y:(laughing) r:� y:� y: damn, we�ve been through a lot in the last year. r: i know it�s weird. i think about a year and half ago and it feels like thirty years. y: like a lifetime. i wonder if that�s from a singular point of view or multiple. r: what do you mean? y: i mean, i wonder if everybody�s changed this much in the last year or if it�s just like another year for anybody else. r: i would guess it�s like any other year. every year feels this way to me and whenever I ask people they�re always like: �no, it was just like any other year to me.� y: what a shame. r: it�s pretty nice this way, but sometimes it�s lame. I can�t think of any specific time when it�s that way, I know there are some. y: (laughing)whatever�but you know what? I like coming back out on top, that�s fun. it makes me think that�s what life is like. r: I heard it put that life is like going to the movies. we�re here for the same reasons. why do you think people go to movies? y: to see and experience things. r: you�re trying to answer the question of why we are alive. why do people go to movies? y: lots of reasons. r: like what? y: entertainment. r: good. entertainment. what else? y: you ask that question and you�re leading to a bunch of sub-questions because there�s some things like: wanting to pass the time or wanting to that instead of something else. r: well, not really, if you just want to pass the time or get out of the house, the purpose of going out is to do something. something being the operative word. you wouldn�t do �something� that wasn�t fun would you? y: i guess not. r: so you�re really doing it just for fun. y: yeah, I see what you�re saying. r: I mean, even if you just want to be around your friends, first of all, that�s a reason for being with who you�re with not for being where you are. but even then, it�s still, that�s fun. entertainment. and iff you want to go out, you don�t go out to sit in a dark room and watch pain dry. and if you did it would be either because you enjoyed doing that or because it was for a class or a project for work or something. which brings us to our second reason. why, besides fun, do people go to see a movie? y: well, if it�s for a class or something it�s to learn. r: good. learning. that�s two. why can you think of that doesn�t fall into the category of either fun or learning? y: �(thinking) I don�t know. nothing I guess. r: are you asking me? y: sorry. nothing. r:� y:� r: I sat out here for hours this morning watching this squirrel. it�s the third time I�ve seen him and each time we just relax and chat for a little while.. I got distracted after a while and when I looked up he was gone. but he stopped back by later for a second just to say bye. I guess he didn�t want to just disappear on me�in Colorado, we have black squirrels. just jet black. and real furry. I love squirrels. the color squirrels are here is the color the chipmunks are in Colorado. chipmunks aren�t near as cool. they�re always sneaking up on you. like, you�ll be getting wood for the fire and they�ll be under the woofd you�re grabbing. y: that�s your fault. they�re just hanging out all relaxed thinking the divine grace of god or whatever showered these blessings on them and this giant creature comes up and steals it. r: I don�t give a fuck. I chopped that tree down and cut it into pieces for my fireplace. that�s part of my home as far as I�m concerned. y: like a chipmunk remembers that. r: does that make it less true. if i eat dinner, but don�t remember it is my stomach less full? if he wants a wood pile, he can put in the sweat equity to get one of his own. or he�s free to squat in mine as long as he doesn�t get crabby when I need it for it�s prescribed purpose. it�s like when people kill bugs in their house, it�s like �this is my home.� y: but it�s a bug. r: so you don�t kill them when you feel threatened by their presence? y: no. r: then why do you kill them, out of spite? I know you�ve killed bugs before. y: I guess not, I just mean I don�t want to be so picky that I�m like �you�re a bug. this is my house.� r: it�s found in every species. when a speicies feels threatened in it�s own home, it attacks that which makes it feel threatened. it�s preternatural instinct. y: but, it�s a bug. I don�t need that tiny space. animals act that way to animals, people act that way to people. I don�t ever wanna look at a bug as intruding on my personal space. r: but you do. people do, not just you specifically. anyway, I�m not making an argument for the the killing of bugs, but rather against the idea that it is so mean as a monk would have you think. y: I know I do that. it seems fucked up to me. r: what are you gonna do, change our basic instincts? y: no, I know it�s that way. I acknowledge and accept it, but that doesn�t mean I like it. r: I�m just saying that I don�t think it�s fucked up. why is it different than killing a bear in your house? y: �cus it�s different. a bear is huge. r: so size is the distinguisher? a little thing is okay to ignore in life like paying a credit card bill, but a bog thing, like paying rent should be dealt with immediately? y: what I�m saying is that there�s gonna be levels of certain things there no matter what. you can only get rid of a certain amount. r: yeah, but if there�s a pack of wolves in your house, what are you going to do? say �well, there�s a whole bunch of them, I can�t get them all, so I might as well not try.� that�s a good way to wake up missing an arm or something. y: (laughing) r: I mean, it�s your home. your bird�s nest, your lion�s den. y: no, I agree with that. if I got swarmed with insects, I think I�de want them to go away. but a few. r: a few always bring and breed more, besides, opinions vary on how many is a swarm. were you there that night at AJ�s (actually, I don�t think you were) when there were all these millipedes all over and he was freaking out? it was crazy, it looked like the scene in natural born killers y: (interrupting) I haven�t seen it. r: well, anyway, there�s this scene when he�s chasing her outside and he�s got this torch and he follows Juliet lewis out into this field area and when he shines the torch there�s a rattlesnake like, every three feet in every direction for fifty yards. y: I had a dream about snakes last night, it�s weird you brought that up. it was just like that, well, not anything like that. r: (laughing) y: but enough like it that I made the connection to the dream about it. r: what was the same? that there were snakes? (laughing) y: well, they were everywhere. r: people are pretty freaked out by snakes. I think they�re so noble and beautiful. y: well, they didn�t bother me in the dream, they were just everywhere. like there�d be a bowl on a table but when I looked close, it was really a snake. and everything was that way. after while it was just like: �can�t I just have a bowl? I just want something besides a snake.� it got to the point where I was looking and everywhere I looked there was just more and more of them. I was just like: �damn, I want there to not be a snake.� and he�d be like: �nope, I�m not a bowl, I�m a snake.� (laughing) I just wanted a goddamn bowl. r: that reminds me of a dream I had a little while back about snakes. y: that�s what I�m saying. r: ? r: anyway, I was swimming�in a lake? y: what are you asking me for? like I know. r: no, I was asking myself aloud. you gotta prompt yourself. what, you think I only prompt other people? I�m twice as hard on myself. y: sorry. r: anyway, I was swimming in this lake and there was this snake, a water moccasin, so I started wasing away thinking � I don�t wanna get between this thing and it�s babies�, you know? so I started moving away real slow because I didn�t want to scare it. y: and you were just getting closer to the ckids, right? r: no, not the kids, I got over to this bushy area by the shore and then I looked around and I realized that I was in this whole swarm, like fifty of them and I�d just eased right into the middle of them and I looked over at this friend I was swimming with who was like fifteen feet away but in complete safety and just waved my hand and said � see you, have a nice life, good knowing you.� but I was real calm, like I wasn�t upset about it or anything it was just like �bye, have a good day�, you know? I was totally okay with it, it was just like �hey, sorry to be a party pooper, but have fun today anyway.� but it never actually happened. like usually in a dream something bad happens and then you wake up before you have to deal with the consequences of it, but it never actually happened, it was just there and I knew that it wouldn�t have been my choice, but that�s cool. y: so, what would have been your choice? r: well, I guess that wouldn�t be such a bad way to go, just like me against twenty of them. y: see, I was thinking about a totally different aspect of it. just being in the water and being bit like twenty times all at once with nothing you could do about it. r: yeah, actually I�d like to go against sharks. if I had a sharp knife with a four or five inch blade against like five of them. hammerheads, the real mean bastards. I mean, I�m not saying if I saw five hammerheads I�d go grab a knife and jump in the middle, just that were I put in a situation where I had to, I�d be totally okay with going like that. it�s just the last instinct. man against beast. survival. so, if I was put in that situation it�d be like: �this is cool. if I gotta go, I�m glad it was like this.� you know, predator against predator, territory struggle. it was life in the beginning and that�s how it should be in the end. y: see, I totally disagree. r: why? y: no, I mean, I agree with everything you�re saying� r: (laughing) y: I know I just backtracked. r: what you came around? y: yeah. r: for you, or because it was easier than being disagreeable? y: I�m gonna talk. r: okay. y: I see what you�re saying. but� r: you don�t see why it�s necessary? y: yeah. I mean, goddamnit, it�s not that hard. whay do we make it so hard? r: but it is. y: it�s really not though. we get so worked up, I don�t understand. r: well, it�s really simple, but it�s not easy. remember that story I read you with the little creatures on the rocks in the river? [which, of course, I�ll include at the end of this entry] y: yeah. r: well, that�s what it�s like for every creature in the world. we have to build up the courage to let go and get bashed around on the rocks for a WHILE. and then it�s cool, but it has to last through that bashing once it lets go without grabbing onto a rock when the bashing gets too rough. see, it�s a really simple thing to do (letting go), but it�s not easy. I think that�s my problem with someone like osho, he makes it sound like the easiest thing in the world. y: because for osho it is. r: but, but it�s really not. he had all kinds of struggle, even when he tells it in autobiography [of a spiritually incorrect mystic]. I guess now that he�s there looking back, at that point he�s like �why don�t you just do it?� and it�s not just osho, everyone does it. Buddha, yogananda, sri yukteshwar, sai baba, jesus. they all make it sound too easy. y: yeah, that�s the beauty of it though. is that it is that simple. r: yeah, but it�s like they forget how hard it was. y: I know, but you can�t tell someone that in the beginning. r: see, I don�t think it�s like that. I don�t think it�s a sales pitch. I think they�ve just forgotten. a person can only really understand the world he lives in now. y: I didn�t mean it like that. I just mean that you can show someone something, anything, and they can only take in so much of it. even if you SHOW it to them, they can only get so much. it doesn�t matter how it seems because that�s how it is all the time it�s plain as day, it just depends on what kind of �focals you�re wearing that day. it�s all the eyes you see with. r: � y: everything glows�if you look at it right�lately I�ve been just wanting to touch and hold everyone, just like hold them and be close to them. r: in what way? y: in every way. if you just take sex out of the equation. r: take it out or accent it? y: take it out. like remove it. gone. as I get to know people more, I just want to be touchy-lovey-dovey with everyone and it�s like: �fuck, what does it matter? I�m not trying to get into your bed.� I mean, why can�t we just express ourselves physically? and why am I the only one who feels this way? (laughing) why doesn�t everyone want to do this? r: well, you�re not the only one that feels that way, but the reason everyone doesn�t, and this may sound shitty, but it�s because �everyone else� is honest with themselves about what they�re talking about. y: what do you mean? r: I mean, the truth is, no matter how many�I don�t know. y: no, you do know, you�re lying. r: no, I mean, I have to think of how to phrase it�give me a second�okay, I mean that everyone else is honest with themselves on where that leads. because your intentions may not be sexual at the beginning, but at some point it just gets like- y: like we�re already here, so� r: exactly. it�s basic instinct. when you�re that close to someone, you just automatically start wanting it. it�s the final closeness. the final thing that brings people together. the last thing you can share. y: well, I guess, I didn�t mean take sex out altogether, I just meant that feeling. it�s not an issue. r: right, but what I when I say honest with themselves is that sooner or later it will become an issue for one or both of the involved parties. y: I see what you�re saying. that makes sense. it just sucks. r: when you break it down to the basics, at some point your animal nature takes over. even if you don�t want it to. it�s just that when you spend that much time around someone, then you grow mentally close, spiritually close, and even physically close. when you�re holding someone, you just have your arms wrapped around them and they�re up against you, your body just takes over. it just feels so good to be that close to someone that you suddenly want it to feel good in every way�so that�s that�s what I mean when I say being honest with themselves. I didn�t mean it unkindly or asshole-ish. y: I didn�t take it that way. r: it�s just that whatever you think at first, whatever it seems to be, it�s leading somewhere. it always is and at some point in their lives they get to know that. I mean, our parents tired that bit in the sixties and when sex became an issue, they threw that in too. and see how it worked out. it�s just the way it is for everyone. it�s not just men, women are the same way. y: yeah, women got a rotten deal on that. r: yeah they did. women got a rotten deal on a lot of things, but they take it out on us. y: because we�re the ones that gave them the rotten deal. r: no, we didn�t. y: then who did? they didn�t give it to themselves. r: well, part of it they did. women are inherently jealous creatures and if one sees another getting more men then her she�s libel to come up with a derogatory name for the woman that is. but, most of it came out of basic human truths. it�s just natural. y: (laughing) r: no, I�m serious. alright, first you�ve got the prude or slut thing. a woman is always either a prude or a slut right? y: that is a rotten deal. r: yeah, that just sucks. so let�s start with that. just the physical aspects of it. y: you know what? every prude wants to be a slut and every slut wants to be a prude. r: that�s not true. every woman wants to be a slut. y: you think? r: well, not be labeled as a slut, but sure every woman wants to be able to have sex when she feels the urge without any social bullshit to deal with. that�s what a slut is isn�t it? I think that�s half the reason women are in such a hurry to get married. but that part is just my opinion. anyway, so let�s think about why it�s that way. or rather, how it began to be that way. y: society says it. r: well yes, but there has to be a reason for that. I mean, society didn�t just wake up one day and say �well, today, let�s fuck women over.� I mean, society is half women. so, why would it be that way? I mean, what actually happens when a guy has an extreme amount of sex aside from diseases and such, which are random case scenarios. what happens? nothing. his ability to have sex doesn�t diminish, his , his ability to be stimulated to the point of ejaculation doesn�t diminish and therefore, his ability to procreate doesn�t diminish. y: yeah, that makes sense. �cus, for a woman she may lose the ability to get lubricated or get soo losse that her ability to get a guy off goes down to little or none so it�s harder for her to spawn. r: exactly. it sucks, but it�s not guy�s faults. now part of it is. in the sense that a guy gets pissed if �his woman� sleeps with someone else and so he calls her a name like slut or whore. that certainly doesn�t help the situation, but it�s not what started it. and that is an important distinction. then you have the menstral thing. another rotten deal. y: obviously, that�s not our fault. r: right. also, a woman�s best eggs go in her first cycle around age 12 or 13 (well, nowadays around age 9 or 10) and continue in that manner every month. she loses her best eggs every month. women have a natural instinct, maybe partly for that reason to find a mate that�s sexually worthy, you know, will make smart, attractive children etc. in every speicies that�s true. that�s why male fireflies have the lights, to demonstrate their sexual worthiness. that�s why male crickets make that sound. the females pick the best sound. that�s one of the reasons women are so picky about who they have sex with. of course, with us it�s not a light on our ass or the sound made by rubbing our legs together, it�s the car you drive, how muscular you are, how big your dick is, how smart you, how fast you run, etc. but in every species (and we�re no exception) ultimately, it�s the female that chooses the mate. I�m not saying males have nothing to do with it, just that ultimately, it�s up to the woman to consent. it makes men feel weak when they realize that subocnociously at least. that�s why humans are the only speicies that have rape. other speices just accept the way things are and it doesn�t occur to them that it should be �insulting�. humans are perpetually pissed about how things are. but you know what? for all the shit they were dealt, they get good shit too. we just talked about the final mate choice. also, they get multiple orgasms. that�s pretty fucking badass right there. y: yeah, for guys it�s just like �ping�. r: plus they got like 5 spots they can reach orgasm from, and that�s on the minimum side. and each gives a different type of orgasm which is also pretty bad ass. g-spot, v-spot, clitoris, x-spot, sideline, upstroke, etc�you know what I don�t get? this has really been tripping me out lately. women bitch about guys not knowing how to get them off, but then they�ll fake an orgasm because a guy is �trying too hard and it�s not going to happen.� if that�s �cus he�s not doing is tirghtthen, hey, help us out, every girls�s different on what she likes and the average guy sees less than ten vaginas in his life. women need to remember that it�s not common sense to us, we didn�t grow up with one. anyway, ten that he�s allowed to touch. we can figure some things out but, hey, if we�re not getting it, help us out. and if it�s genuinely because you just aren�t in the mental state or whatever, then damnit quit bitching about us know knowing what�s going on. y: yeah, that�s really fucked up. r: sometimes i just want to grab a random girl and yell �hey, you dumb bitch, you can�t have it both ways! now, tell your friends.� that�s my take on it anyway. y: yeah, that�s real fucked up. r: but, I�ve been thinking about that a lot lately, like for ten minutes or so every few days for the last couple weeks. and the odd thing is, there�s not even a life reference or anything. I haven�t been laid in, like a month, so it�s not even like something in my life happened that brought it up, I was just laying in bed and it occurred to me and I was like �damn, that�s fucked up.��guys got some shit too, though. I mean, first of all, in terms of sex, there�s impotence. y: yeah. that�s a total bitch. r: and that shit can also be spotty. like you drank too much or are distracted or just for no goddamn reason. and for a lot of guys that goes semi-permanent pretty early on. whay do you think Viagra outsold prozac last year? women don�t have that shit. I mean, they have impotence in terms of not being able to have kids or frigidty in the sense that they can�t get wet, but you can still use store bought lubrication. that�s why god invented KY. guys reach a point when they�re not physically able to have sex and as big a deal as sex is to guys, that makes up for a lot of the shit women have to deal with. y: yeah, it does. r: plus, women get feminism. there will never be a such thing as masculinism. ever. it�s not even in the dictionary. it doesn�t exist. y: I know. r: but feminism just gets more and more prevalent. women get to break down those barriers, those stereotypes that can feel very controlling, like the stay at home mom or the cook and clean wife, shit like that, but guys will never get that for their barriers, their stereotypes. we�re stuck with them forever. and, I don�t care how strong of a feminist a woman claims to be (with the obvious exception of lesbians) what a woman really wants is a strong man that can take care of her. bottom line. it goes back to the whole sexual worthiness thing. and that�s a stereotype in the purest sense that men have to deal with. I heard dennis miller say one time to women: �stop telling us you want us to cry, you don�t want us to cry. I cried in front of my wife one time, she liked it for about thrity seconds, then she was likeshut up you big baby, be a man.� so there�s another one. women want a shelter in the storm. never rattled by anything. that�s all women want ultimately. y: yeah but that�s like (arms stretched all the way out) this big. r: I know, and guys never get to live that down, because there can never be a masculinism. well, there could be, but every guy on earth would have to sleep on the couch while it went on. y: women know how to play us, that�s for sure. r: by the way, case in point about the women wanting to be a slut thing. the 70s. look what happened in the sexual revolution when the term slut wasn�t negative, after birth control, before aids. women had sex with any guy that didn�t look like jed clampett. and I�m pretty sure he got laid plenty as well. anyway, buys have to always be strong. I remember once, when I was visiting my mom and her husband then, this guy mike was watching the godfather with me (the first time I�d ever seen it) and it got to the scene where Michael and vito were sitting out on the patio talking about michael�s kids. mike looked over at me and said, �listen good. this is what life is about.� and I tuned in real careful while vito said �I spent my life trying not to be carefless. women and children can afford to be careless, but not men.� and that really stuck with me. that�s always been somewhere in the back of my mind. women and children can be careless, it�s a man�s job to hold the world together. it�s a woman�s job to hold men together. it was the only thing that sonofabitch ever taught me. y: and they can turn feminism off when they want to. they still have their backup plans to fall back on. and then it�s like their not making a stand at all. when you say things like �treat me like a lady, but treat me equal.� It�s not really any stand at all. r: right, it�s like making a weak stand. it�s not like they�re saying we�d rather have this than that. y: no, it�s more like they�re saying �we want this� (grabbing out into the air) �and we also want this� (grabbing out), �and this� (grabbing out) �and while you�ve got the door open, we�ll take this too� (grabbing out). r: right, they want to have their cake and eat it too. y: right. �oh, you want something? fuck you. you�ll have to enter the pearly gates to get that.� r: it fucking sucks. so, guys get shitty deals too. god doesn�t fuck around, he�s a fair guy, if he takes something from you in one area, he gives it to you elsewhere. and that�s another reason, we were talking about stereotypes and their rooting in nature. it only makes sense logically speaking, if you get something here, you lose it there. what are the two things a person notices about another person? y: just two things? r: I�m not saying like hair color and eye color, the two categorys of things that attract one person to another. y: there�s a million things. r: the way they look. y: I was gonna say the way they carry themselves. r: that�s the way they look when they�re walking. so, the way they look. and what else? y: ? r: the way they think. so it only makes sense that if a person is exceptional looking, they�re generally going to be not as bright as the next guy, and if their god�s own calculator, then they�re most likely not going to be too exceptional looking. and that�s why you have these stereo types about dumb blonds and these nerds with their pocket protectors and runny noses. it just makes sense. now, nothing�s true in all cases, that�s just the way it is. we�re speaking in general terms. it�s like if you have 10,000 dollars to spend and if you spend it all over here, then you�re fucked when it comes to getting the other things you want. and everyone-s got that same 10,000 dollars. at the get go of life. y: I understand what you�re saying. r: when I first started learning about the internet, I was probably 10 or 11 and I started playing this internet virtual boxing. and each fight you got a certain amount of points if you won, and a certain number if you lost. and everyone started with like ten points to divide up in 5 training categories. you know, strength, speed, stamina, aim, stuff like that. y: so, you had to make him well rounded enough to last with a fighter that�s extremely oneway and then fight someone extremely the other, but if you made him too well rounded he�d never get off the ground. r: right, so you had to make him extreme enough in the beginning so you could win enough to level him off before you started playing the more experienced fighter. but if you made him too extreme in the beginning, you wouldn�t have time to level him out later. y: that�s bad ass. r: yeah, it was cool, and all the fights we�re calculated by the computer mathematically. like if you have x amount of strength, it takes this many punches to win, but if the other guy has x amount of points in speed, you�d only hit him so many times. and you couldn�t watch the fights. (I�m sure by now you could.) but it was like, I have a fight tonight at nine and I can get the results about nine-thirty. y: I bet that sucked, just sitting there for a half hour wringing your hands wondering what the hell was going on. r: it did. I�d sit there all sweaty palmed thinking, should I have given him more strength? and shit like that all the way till half past. it was the worst when you fought someone who had like ten fights more experience than you. it�s lucky they let you see who you were fighting next before you had to apply your training points so that you knew how to divide them and have the best chance of winning. y: that game sounds awesome. r: �you know, it�s funny how much video games can teach you about life. my oldest brother�s generation was raised by MTV. I mean, that was it. my older brother�s generation by video games like Nintendo and genesis, then eventually super NES. y: yeah, I remember. I was a part of that, but I never did anything about it. r: we were raised by internet. unlimited information, knowledge without wisdom and free porn. y: yeah, I was the video game one. r: I always forget that you are a few years older than me. it just feels like you and I are in the same generation in terms of things like that. y: well, when you start putting things like MTV and video games, you start dating it and I�m definatley in the video game one. al my friends brought video game magazines to school and everything. r: you know what�s weird about generations? technically speaking, a generation is the offspring of the previous generation, but also techinically, a generation is separated by time lines because it�s impossible to lump everyone together. some poepl have kids at 18, some and 65 so you can�t lump it like that. technically a generation is split by twenty years. if born from 1941-the end of 1960, you�re a baby boomer, if born from 61-the end of 80, then you are gen-x, if after that, well, who the hell knows what we are. but what�s cool is that yearwise, in terms of the arbitrary lines they�ve drawn, I am twenty-two days into a new generation. I like that. there�s no reason I should, but I do. that makes me the old phogey of my generation. Douglas coupland, the novelist who named generation x was born like a month or two into 612 so, he was the oldest of the old in generation x. he was the first voice of generation x. now he�s too old to be the voice of it. he was the first to peg them, you know, the first generation without stay at home moms, they had divorced parents, and step parents, single moms, soccer moms, their parents had to work, their step fathers drank too much, they were raised without religion by the smurfs. he just pegged them. right off the bat. he realized they were the first generation like that. and I don�t think he necessarily intended to name them, but someone somewhere came along and said �okay, they�re called generation x� they�re really just eht why-bother generation. whereas with baby boomers, they got their name because they were born in a baby boom. a period when more babies were born than every other generation combined in American history. because all these soldiers had just gotten home from world war II and just wanted to forget what they�de seen so they had nonstop sex for twenty years or so. which is, interestingly, a strong contrast to the Vietnam soldiers who came home insane and treated like weaklings and traitors instead of the heros the WWII vets were treated like. every generation wants to believe their war was the worst. so the boomer�s parents wouldn�t even ackwoledge that Vietnam was a war at all. that�s how much they wanted the �I had to deal with worse� crown. anyway, a generation, any generation, needs it�s primogenetars, it�s ringleaders, its heroes, so to speak. but we necessitate that they fall within a certain age group. so, Douglas coupland was the first, then they had kurt coabin, because coupland was too old to be the voice anymore. kurt was basically saying the same thing as coupland but he was younger and that made him more relevant. that he wasn�t trying to say something everyone thought is the great irony. he wasn�t trying to be a voice, he wasn�t evemn trying to make a point, he was just saying what he thought. and it just happened to be what everyone else was feeling at the same time. and everyone was like: �damn, that guy�s right on.� and he was just like �what the fuck are you guys talking about? I was just saying what I thought.� and everyone was like �yeah!� and he was like �what?� I can see why that freaked him out, he was just trying to be a punk-rocker. y: (laughing) he didn�t expect it to catch on. r: yeah, he was just trying to be punk rock and suddenly everyone was like �oh my god, you understand us so well.� and for him it must have been like �what the fuck, I�m trying to be rebellious and you all want to be rebellious with me? that�s doesn�t make any fucking sense. we can�t all be rebellious together.� (laughing) so I can see why that was frustrating. y: no shit (laughing). r: yeah, kurt just sort of threw out gibberish lyrics, coupland was more trying to prove a point. you know, there�s never been a voice of generation like kurt before. most of the time he just talked gibberish: �I found it hard, it�s hard to find, oh well, whatever, nevermind.� what the fuck does that mean (laughing)? you�re not saying anything, that�s just baby talk, you�re just playing with words. y: yeah, but it was definatley a feeling. r: it is. and that�s what�s amazing about him because he conveyed a feeling without ever actually saying anything. because even most of the songs that supposedly have such deep social meaning like smells like teen spirit are crazy talk. what the fuck? �an albino, a mesquito, my libido�? (laughing) what the fuck are you yapping? I�ve never seen anything like that. very other voice of a generation had to be saying something, not just feeling something. it�s quite a border to cross. that�s why so many people still worship him. he was the first. there was nothing like him ever before. it just sucks that it had to happen to someone who didn�t want it. but, I guess it makes sense, if you wanted it at some point you would naturally start TRYING to say things you thought people were thinking and feelinginstead of just being yourself. it just sucks that he had to get theshit end of it. everyone else got this luminary guide right when they needed it. and it�s not even like a guide, it�s just like he was letting people know that it was okay. and that�s the thing I love. I used to get in arguments with my teachers about it. their attitude was always that of �he was a junkie who killed himself, he was worthless.� and it used to piss me off so bad. and I always told them �it�s because he said what none of you would. none of my teachers, none of my parents. he said �come as you ARE, as you were, doused in mud, soaked in bleach, come as you are.� not as long as you�re this, or as long as you accomplish these goals or get this score on a test, not I expect this, just come.� no one else had the fucking balls to say that. the irony is that he wasn�t even saying it to us per se, he was just saying what he wished someone had said to him. but even still�it�s weird that the conversation went this way because this morning I was reading this chapter in krishnamurti about how parents talk to and feel about their kids. about how they really only care about themselves. [here is the anecdote I promised: �there was a master come nto the earth, born in the holy land of Indiana, raised in the mystical hills of east fort wayne. the master learned of this world in the pulic schools of Indiana and as he grew he grew into the trade of a mechanic of automobiles. but the master had learnings from other lands and other schools from other lives that he had lived. he remembered these, and remembereing became wise and strong, so that others saw his strength and cam to him for council. the master believed that he had the power to help himselfand all mankind and as he believed so it was for him, so that others saw his power and came to him to be healed of their troubles and their many diseases. the master beleieved that it is well for any man to think upon himself as a son of god and as he believed, so it was and the shops and garages where he worked became crowded and jammed with those who sought his learnings and his touch. and the streets outside with those who longed only that the shadow of his in passing might fall on them and change their lives. it came to pass that because of the crowds, that the several foreman and shoip managers bid the master leave his toold and go his way for so tightly was he thronged that neither he nor the other nechanics had room to work upon the automobiles. so it was that he went into the countryside, and people following began to call him messiah and worker of miracles and as they believed, it was so. if a storm passed as he spoke not a raindrop touched a listener�s head, the last of the multitude heard his words as clearly as the first, no matter lightning nor thunder in the sky about. and always he spoke in parables. and he said unto them, �within each of us lies the power of our consent to health and to sickness, to riches and to poverty, to freedom and to slavery. it is we who control these, and not another.� a mill man spoke and said �easy words for you master, for you are guided as we are not, and need not toil as we toil. a man has to work for his living in this world.� the master answered and said, :once there lived a village of creatures at the bottom of a great crystal river. the current of the river swept silently over them all-young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going it�s own way, knowing only it�s own crystal self. each creature in it�s own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life and resisting the current, what they had learned from birth. but one creature said at last �I am tired of clinging. though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go and let it take me where it will. clinging, I shall die of boredom.� the other creatures laughed and said �fool! let go and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom.� but he heeded them not and taking a breath, let go and at once he wqas taumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruisded and hurt no more. and the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger cried �see a miracle! a creature like ourselves, yet he flies! see the messiah, come to save us all!� and the one carried in the current said �I am no more messiah than you. the river delights to lift us free, if only we dare to let go. our true work is this voyage, this adventure.� but they cried the more �savior!� all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone and they were left alone making legends of a savior. and it came to pass when he saw that the multitudes thronged him more day on day, tighter and closer and fiercer than they ever had, when he saw that they pressed him to heal them without rest, and feed them always with miracles, to learn for them and to live their lives, he went alonethat day unto a hilltop and there he prayed. and he said in his heart, Infinate Radiant Is, if it be thy will, let this cup pass from me, let me lay aside this impossible task. I cannot live the life of one other soul, yet ten thousand cry to me for life. I am sorry I allowed it all to happen. if it be thy wil, let me go back to my engines and my tools and let me live as other men live. and a voice spoke to him on the hilltop, a voice neirther male nor female, loud nor soft, a voice infinatly kind. and the voice said unto him �not my will, but thine, be done. for what is thy will is mine for thee. go thy way as other men, and be thou happy on the earth.� and hearing this, the master was glad and gave thanks and came down the hilltop humming a little mechanic�s cong. and when the throng pressed him with it�s woes, beseeching himto heal for it and learn for it and feed it nonstop from his understanding and to entertain it with his wonders, he smiled upon them and said pleasantly, �I quit.� for a moment the multitude was stricken dumb with astonishment. and he said unto them, �if a man told god that what he wanted most in the world was to help the suffering, no matter what the price to himself, and god answered and told him what he must do, should the man do as he is told?� �of course, master!� cried the many �it should be a pleasure for him to suffer the tortures of hell itself, should god ask it!� �no matter how difficult those tortures nor how difficult the task?� �honor to be hanged, glory to nailed to a tree and burned if so that be as god has asked� said they. �and what would you do�, the master said unto them �if spoke directly to your face and said, �I command that you be happy in the world, as long as you live.� what would you do then?� and the multitude was silent, not a voice, not a sound was heard upon the hillsides, across the valleys where they stood. and the master said unto them �in the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime. so it is that I have learned this day, and choose to leave you now to walk your own path, as you please.� and he went his way through the crowds and left them and he returned to the world of everyday men and machines.� Richard bach] end of tape one side b. more will follow. good luck with the crops.
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