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the coastergirl diaries volume three one night i'm at her house and we're sitting on the counter of the kitchen smoking a cigarette talking about places we've been and friends we've had that meant alot to us and she gets real quiet. me: what's wrong? we spent hours weeks months (the calendar pages fall away when i try to place time frames on it.) just talking. talking at work. talking after work three am in the still unchained chairs on the patio. talking at a hotel bar in fort worth (the worthington) eating morsels of the bar snack mix which was some spicey rendition of chex mix with those little orange crescent moons in it. we measuredd our time together in cups of coffee (eight), cigarettes smoked (forty-three), bowls of snack mix eaten (two), scrambled eggs with cheese at ihop (one order split), and songs we both knew the words to. i was enraptured by her favorite music. i loved to hear her talk on and on about it. this band has two members from this band, this band got it's name from this movie, etc. for me it was always the long quasi-lester bangs rants about the glories of raock and roll and the last true freedom. she asked me what to read. i told her demian by hermann hesse. she read it. marked it. highlighted it, we had long droning conversations filling every aspect of it, every anecdote, every little phrase and picked it apart together. that's what we did. we got together and picked apart life and love and art and sex until we understood it. we made math of human relationships. she told me about jason and how he'd loved her then not loved her, then loved her then not loved her, then messed around with her and never spoken to her again except to blame her for ruining his life. i told her about lisa who was gay, then straight enough for me, then gay, then straight, then finally just oo much work to be around. she told me about adam who had a great tongue which made the rest of the sex forgivable. i told her about kim who sucked cock better than anyone i'd known but would still sometimes go for an hour or more and not get me off. she told me about her parents and how they always forgave her and never stopped telling her they loved her when she had her breakdowns. i told her about how my mom had kicked me out when i was eight for stealing a pen from a neighbor, then dragged me over there three am to appologize. (they told me i could keep the pen and this pissed my mom off.) she asked me what else to read. i told her the teachings of don juan by carlos castaneda. she read it and loved it. then we were off, pulling passages apart again and scrambling them back together finding the meaning of life in pamphlets found on urinals in parks. everyone at work swore we were fucking and hated us for it. we were outcasts for invisible activities. i walked in on three coworkers talking about us and asked what they were talking about. girl: are you and coastergirl sleeping together? then one night after cups of coffee and perfect banter at the worthington we rode back to work where my car was. (we had taken her car. downtown fort worth confuses me.) she was wearing this shirt she'd made by cutting up a turtle neck and wrapping the sleeves she'd cut around the neck and saftey pinning them (it could have passed for DKNY, i swear, she was that good.). the shirt could be wron two ways. the first open backed and high up in the neck in front. or it could be turned around with a V going down between her breasts exposing just the edges (she almost never wore bras). that was how she wore it that night. with the V in front. and suddenly i wanted to touch her. i realized how perfect her neck was. shaped in a careful line pale skin veins barely arched out when she leaned her head to one side or the other. she was beautiful. physically. and somehow i'd never noticed it before. i loved being with her and talking to her and just watching her move it was mesmerizing, but i'd never noticed how beautiful she actually was. then was a slow rumble of kisses on necks, fumbled hands, heavy breathing, back arched over the driver seat hands on back seat, screams and i said goodnight. me: see you tommorrow. i was in the car and heading home to work out a little back arching of my own. i could taste her on my fingers. still smell her breath. hear her breathing. it was like the first time i'd done acid and smelled the world new and clean i wanted it to last forever. i passed out with a towel next to me too exhausted and satisfied with life to bother finishing.
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