searching for J

then there is the dream. last night. i was over at a friends dorm room horsing around being crazy whatever and i asked what j was doing. (j is a freind of mine who is perhaps the most amazing person i have ever known. th etype of person anyone could fall in love with). j. lived across the hallway in the same dorm room (neither of them are in college, i don't know what gives with the dorm room). the friend told me that J was gone. she'd moved to georgia. i opened the door to her room and all of her stuff was still there. walls of book painting she'd done drawings etc. i thought my friend was joking.

suddenly i thought of the time j and i had messed around. it was amazing. she was easily the best kisser i've encountered. also, one of the best people to talk to about anything. never clingy. she is fine being with you, glad to be, fine not being with you. she is just that way. either way the wind blows she is fine.

i realized how much it hurt to know she was gone. how much i would miss talking to her, although i havent talked to her in about six months.

i began to pick through her book shelves and pick out paintings of hers i wanted for myself. i had stacks in my hand and suddenly realized i was crying. i missed her.

her girlfriend had broken up with her, i guess and she needed to get out, i don't really understand this bit in the dream. i do understand though, i do undersatnd how much it hurt to know i couldn't call her and banter. it was like she was dead. she had left all of her things. her toothpaste was still in the bathroom. her underwear still in the drawer.

we knew the cops would want to look at her room on acocunt of the strangeness of her moving and leaving ewveyrhting so we had to hurry. as i scurried out of the room across the dorm to my friends room with handfulls of things i wanted i sat down to label each book carefull. this is j's. this is j's. i wanted them to be hers forever.

there was pounding on the door by the police and i awoke. where are you my j? where are you?

2002-09-22 | 11:50 a.m.
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