the coastergirl diaries volume twenty-three

"i was glad that it didn't diestroy you. how sad that would be. cus if it destroyed you, it would destroy me."
- wayne coyne (the flaming lips)

i used to believe that eveyone had a list of negative comments stored built up about me that they held back just to keep from hurting my feelings. maybe i still do but not in the way that i did.

i spent most of my life helping people bring out the best in themselves always thinking maybe somewhere in there that they only saw the worst in me. oh ye of little faith.

we were sitting out back on coastergirl's porch listening to the flaming lips. the soft bulletin. the spiderbite song.

her: this song always reminds me of you.
me: why?
her: just the one line: if it destroys you, it would destroy me.
me: why?
her: if anything ever upset you it would ruin me. i couldn't deal with you being hurt.
me: it's bound to happen at some point.
her: i don't know if i'm ready to accept that possibility.

six months later and she went to austin for the weekend and let adam throw her legs above her head called me told me on her way home.

her: hey.
me: hey.
her: i...uh...i slept with adam.
me: ...

i was sitting in front of a little coffeeshop and when i hung up i threw a chair through the window. cost me four hundred some odd dollars to fix. three hours later she called again.

her: hey.
me: ...
her: why are you so quiet?
me: you know why.
her: ...

it was quiet for a few minutes.

her: (crying) please talk to me. your breaking my heart right now.
me: if it destroys you, it would destroy me.
her: (crying)
me: ...

later that night when she got back we were sitting on her porch again and she was on my lap head on my shoulder.

her: if you want me to never talk to him again i won't.
me: you know i can't do that.
her: i would give up even knowing him forever if it would make you smile at me just once.
me: ...

i didn't sleep that night.

2002-09-19 | 5:47 p.m.
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