the coastergirl diaries volume thirty-three

it was going well is what i mean to say. we were laughing alot and telling each other secrets that weren't really secretive sorts of things just so there could be things we only knew, things no one was privy to but us. those are the best kinds of secrets, you know. i took it slow. it was all relative to nothing. if we were together it was delightful glorious seperate just another thing about our lives. for a while. possession. i was working alot of hours, making good money. ironically the goal was to arrange for me to have to spend less and less time away from her as time went by. hours working, bringing on partners late at night, meetings at denny's. she'd call.

her: are you done working yet?
me: not yet.
her: you've been working for fourteen hours now, when are you gonna stop?
me: soon. i only need another half hour or so. but then it will take me a while to get to your house from here. another forty five minutes or so.
her: i'll see you then. don't forget, i'll be waiting up for you.
me: give me a little credit will you? i said i'll be there, i'll be there. but i need to get off the phone so i can finish so i can be there.
her: okay. see you in an hour and a half or so.
me: okay. love you.
her: we'll see.

murphy wrote a law. it holds true. i got caught up in work and three hours went by. my phone rang.

me: hello?
her: where are you?
me: at denny's. i told you i'll be there.
her: you said you'd be here an hour and a half ago.
me: it hasn't been that long.
her: look at the time. [i would and she'd be right.]
me: i'm sorry. i'll leave here right now.
her: don't bother. i have to be up early tommorrow and it's already four in the morning.
me: i want to, though.
her: well, you should have though of that. i have to get some sleep.
me: please? let me make this up to you.
her: you can't make up for everything, robert.
me: let me try.
her: (sigh)...alright....leave right now.
me: i will. see you in forty five minutes or so.
her: okay.

the "let me make it up to you" bit worked the first few times, but after ten or twelve it got useless. she began to feel she couldn't count on me. well, that or maybe that i didn't care. the sad part is i really was working so hard for her. i wanted to be able to buy her anything. everything. but more than that, i wanted to be able to spend every waking second with her. another two years and it would have been a reality. it was hard for her to see this though. i know that now. i knew that then. but i wanted to do what was best. i wanted to think about the future. i was stupid.

we got through it though. we always did. i ended up quitting the job for her. a grand a week to zero income overnight. of course, that brought new drama. but we loved each other at our cores and we always got through whatever came up. looking back, i think half of our disagreements (i won't even call them arguments, they were too tiny for that) was so we could make up. and we always did.

2002-11-08 | 10:46 p.m.
0 comments so far

previousnext

background