uncertainty makes the world go round

when it was all over i meant well and you made african anteater rituals for me.

"i will not leave him," you said. "you already did." your friends told you. and they were right. they were right. you were gone before you left before you said whispered words "right now there's nothing, maybe again one day, but right now there's someone else and i'm sorry."

i don't think you were really sorry. i don't think you meant it when you cried to me over the phone how you loved me needed me wanted me to be there in your life in your world.

i think you thought only of certain things. only how i made sense of things for you. how i gave you answers you wanted "no, you aren't pregnant." etc. i gave the world to you, silver platter silver spoon you crammed it down your throat.

i still appreciate that you were. that you may some day be again. that once you were and everyone saw. that it all adds up to your humanity those days your shining eyes your arms in movements across your viewscreen of life. it all adds up to this. i meant it. you stopped meaning it, but pretended anyway. maybe.

2002-12-27 | 8:52 p.m.
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