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the two blind ones and the deaf one I have been blind for a few years now and find that playing the piano requires more concentration than ever. In fact, I find that often in the middle of Georgia on my mind, I tend to drift off into a sort of free-form chopsticks, but with more daring intervals. I am seriously considering putting this on my upcoming record. But enough about me, how goes the procedure to transplant your terrier�s eyes into your head? Write soon, Ray Dear ray, I look forward to hearing your eclectic new version of the all-time classic �chopsticks� with great fervor, I even find myself getting a little sentimental about just the idea of it. As for the operation, aaron, my terrier did not make it, and as it turns out, his eyes are not shaped properly for my head so did no good. I feel kind of bad. I shouldn�t blame myself, right? Now, to be honest, I ain�t superstitious, but I�m finding that I have the urge to go into the ministry and help other fucked up folks �round the world. I think it may be a sign, you know? What with aaron passing, I have more time. The very idea of it makes me sway my head from side to side, in fact. I�m tired of wearing sunglasses, by the way. Write back, Stevie p.s. have you heard from Luddie? Stevie, I know what you mean about the sunglasses. For me, it was always the putting on and off of them that got me so bothered. That is why I decided to have the experimental operation �solaropticosis� which implanted the glasses into my skin by a complicated sowing procedure not unlike that used by heart surgeons and southeast asian sweatshop workers. As far the ministry goes, I you should go if you feel called to, but not because you blame yourself for murdering your dog. Do what you feel is best. In answer to your question, I did hear from luddie a while back though I doubt he heard from me (heh heh). He seems to be working on an updated ninth that incorporates the more effective methodology of the latter radiohead records. He seems optimistic, but doesn�t listen to a word I say. What can you do? Good luck with the decision making. Ray Dearest ray, I have opted to go into the ministry and shall be leaving directly after I receive the lifetime achievement award I have rightfully earned with all the toil of my years. I�ve decided to give it until this year�s grammy�s, then go either way. I am glad to hear luddie isn�t stuck in his old ways and open to new ideas. You know how those nineteenth century composers can be. I have noticed, of late, that our typing is phenomenal for two blind men by the way. Does that seem strange to you? Love, Stevie Stevie, No, it doesn�t seem strange, I have always had a knack for typing and going blind hasn�t made it any harder. What I have found difficult is proofreading. What I have decided to know, ongoing is send them all to luddie, who will adjust for errors, then send back a recoding of the code in harpsichord format that we have worked out, this should bring about a marked improvement in my grammar. Good luck with the award. Ray p.s. sorry about that coolio song. Ray, Just received your letter and am delighted about the innovation and initiation you showed in your not unclever method of proofreading. To be honest I am surprised that luddie was so quick to agree to help at all. I hear lately he�s been hanging out with the keller clan and you know how uppity they are. It is good to see he is not losing all his goodness, what little he had. About the coolio song, I figure old al yankovic game him his medicine with that song about the butter churning. Write back. Love, Stevie Stevie, I know what you mean about all those little followers of hers. She never struck me as having all the answers and I don�t get why so many think she does. Of course, it could be worse, he could be hanging out with that Milton character and god knows what hideousness he is up to. Well, best of luck to that rabble. I started a garden yesterday. A Braille garden. I am growing potatoes that never grow eyes. Looking forward to hearing from the science journals on this. Ray p.s. working on a new record, it�s coming right along. Dear ray, Greetings from what they tell me is a bright and sunny California day. Glad to hear about your new gardening hobby, I wish you all the best with it, and look forward to feeling the article about it. Speaking of eyes, I�ve been having some trouble with my brown one lately, the doctor thinks it might be hemoroids. They�ve given me this cream, but every time I try to apply it I always end up getting it all over my ass. Other than that all is well on my end. I have taken to playing afternoon bingo with retired catholics and have yet to win a single red cent, although, yesterday the man who won had a voice remarkably similar to that of the man I paid to mark my card. He swears it wasn�t him. He thinks maybe hi brother was playing there that day too. I am tired of feeling like I am being taken advantage of, besides, it is probably only my imagination, anyway: that damn blind man�s paranoia. Speaking of which, I�m off to play another round. Keep me up to date on your record. I wait with much excitement. Stevie Stevie, Luddie has apparently backed out of our arrangement for proofreading. It seems he is too busy what with all the cult activity. The last one he sent me had more than few errors in it and had I sent it as he suggested would be telling you just now about how much I love to suck dick, as opposed to how much I want to hit someone with a croquet stick, which is what I originally meant. Oh well, these things happen, right? You just have to keep chugging onwards. Good luck with the gambling. You know it�s the gateway gamble, right? Ray Dear old ray, I didn�t know it�s the gateway gamble. So what you mean is that if I begin gambling at bingo I might one day end up penniless crawling through vegas streets begging for slot nickels? That is no good at all. I shall have to put a stop to it. In fact, knowing it is the gateway gamble, they should make it illegal. You can�t be too careful these days. In other news, yesterday I drove a car for the first time. I ended up driving into the window at the filling station. Luckily, I was able to convince the police officer that I had mistaken the car for the bathroom. The ruse was successful, but I have to give credit to the fact that I shit my pants when I hit he glass. I think that was the kicker. Oh well, I fear I�ll not be driving anytime soon. They have taken away my honorary license. What good is being famous if you can�t get a few things honorarily that you didn�t earn, you know? Write me. Stevie p.s. sorry about luddie. Stevie, I know all about the honorary thing, I myself have gotten three ph.d�s and am quite satisfied that I didn�t have to go to all the bother of learning anything about the subjects they are in. in regards to your accident, the shitting was quite clever of you. anyway, all is good here. I�ll write more later. Ray Ray, Thank you for your kind words about my quick thinking, I have always had the gift of shitting on cue. In fact, it was my alternate career choice had the music thing not worked out. Well, no use thinking about it all since the music did work out, you know? I do want to be clear, that I shit to fool the cops only and not out of fear in the heat of the accident. Anyway. I�ve sent luddie three letters with no response, have you heard from him? Stevie Stevie, I know you to be quite fearless, so you need not worry about misinterpretation on my end. I understood you quite well. I too, have sent luddie multiple letters with no response. I am not sure what is going on with him, to be totally honest. I�ll let you know if I hear anything. Ray Stevie and ray, I am writing you both at the same time to save my now precious time to tell you something I have needed to say for years and only now have the wisdom to communicate clearly: I want you both to fuck off and die. Painfully. Yours, Luddie p.s. I hated those stupid diet coke commercials, ray!!! Luddie, Shut up you dead fucker! Ray Luddie, Yeah, well, your music would�ve sounded better if Mutt Lang had produced it, asshole. Go hang out with your elitist friends. stevie
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