9am, wind, north tower song left unopened heart and all

and i stood there, staring at the lawn i remember so well stretching out before me, the oddness of real sunlight, the strange feel of wind on your face, like lifetimes had passed in cheap coffins on xanex. watching people dribble on up the ramp from across the street and through the doors i came out of not so very long ago, and how odd the concept of life seemed to me.

so i sputter in and pass through the metal detectors: one pack cigarettes, one orange bic lighter, one cell phone, unlocked (number one pressed), one set car keys, one watch, and crumble down the hall, i can feel my stomach turning inside out.

down and around the hallways, and i notice the airlock tot he north tower slipping open and one girl, calm, cool, empty walks out and for a moment i can smell the smell, i'm back int he pods again, the crazed bible-zealot who had thrown a manhole cover at a 711 owner once and now believed in the healing power of god. i remember walking out (this was the first time) and hearing him, "you stay up outta here, now, you hear?"

"yeah, i hear you, jimmy. i hear you."

then i was out, packed into someone elses clothes and trying out a marlboro, the free-worlds i been brought through with. i rmeember how strange it tasted. i remember almost wanting to go back for some odd indescinerable reason at that moment after stepping out. i remember vomiting (one time) around that corner by the nice little glass-plated ashtrays.

i remember losing my mind and not necessarily wanting it back.

and there i was, today, walking that lawn, watching that stretch of cement, the way i had so long ago, smnoking a cigarette, and for an instant, it tasted the way it did that day, the air smelled the way it did that day, the sunlight turned my stomach the way it did that day. and suddenly, i'm all awake and walking away.

you'd have to be crazy to come back here. i was always a little mad.

2003-08-18 | 7:05 p.m.
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