avenue alchemy

the drive home today is peircing. i am a vestible of entrance ramps, exit ramps, stoplights, road signage of all sorts: increased speeds, lowered speeds. a carrier, within my own mind, of corners turned, new routes forged. there is a dull hum to everything. the shocks on my rear wheels are going so my car is full of strange chirpings: i imagine breifly that i have a large collection of prize-winning pigeons stashed in trunk. i am flipping thorugh radio channels, but everyone is advertising. radio is less and less these days. i turn to NPR. i listen for a little while to some lady talk about balding women and how much more draining and demoralizing the process is for women than for men. the lady says it is another keynote to the societal longing to hurt and belittle the female gender. feminists bore me. racists bore me. activists bore me. the show ends and i find myself listening to yet another conversation in the never ending debate about whether or not g.w. lied to the american people. about whether or not he is conspiring to deny us our right as voters. i am bored. the drive is long.

i debate sleeping on the drive but decide against it. i want to call you, but your phone doesn't get service where you are. you won't answer. i am tired of leaving messages.

my mind is wandering to other things: i need to stop for toilet paper, toothpaste. i am trying to decide what i feel like doing tonight. my thoughts are rambling. i wonder what the ancient tribal people thought about on their way back from the hunt. i imagine conversations had, ideas. they are always thinking about sex, the tribal cultures. 2000 b.c. to 2000 a.d. and our evolution is invisible. we have radios, cars, aeroplanes, cellular phones, grabage compactors, email, newspaper advertising, subliminal messages, career therapists, religious child molesters: we are changing. we want to be held, desire to put hands on another person's body, to be inside of or have someone inside of us, we long for money, free time, food, lodging, better communication skills: we are the same.

i am thinking about a study i read earlier today that states that 68% of all americans would rather be making more money than be getting laid more often. i wonder if this is a sign of satiation. if this is due to too much sex, or just bad sex, too little money, or just poorly spent money. i am trying to reconcile life with itself. i am tired of driving. a guy inf ront of me cuts me off as i try to change lanes

i am amassing longings, cravings, yearning to lay down tonight and sleep next to you. i will be home soon. i am thinking about helpful people, standing in line. i am tired. i want to hold you.

2004-04-01 | 1:18 p.m.
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