the coastergirl diaries volume forty-one

my brain was hot that day. i don't know why. i had severe menengitis as a childand when you combine that with the libraries full of acid i did, it just happens now and again. to say that, i don't mean that i was angry, or that i was in any one way mood-wise as, like any other day, my mood grew and changed and folded over into a thousand things as the day passed, that's the way of days isn't it?

so i was on my way to meet coastergirl and L. at detroit's and walked in a little alter than i should have, the manager pointed them out to me. and i went over and sat down. they were talking about men. this is a subject matter i am always overjoyed (then and now) to be privy to (rare as the inner thinkings of women come into play in such a way that a man can observe the things they really think about and consider important.), so i sat down and listened. l. had just broken up with another guy and was telling coastergirl about him and all of it.

l: so he just rolled over, after sex, and told me he thought we should see toher people.
coastergirl: just like that?
l: exactly that way. i dont' know where it came from. one moment we're int eh throws of passion, you know, and then, it's just like, hey, i don't want you around.
coastergirl: did it seem like he wasnt' enjoyign the sex.
l: no, he seemed to be as into it as ever, i just dont' understand.

they both turned to me as if i was the perpetrator of the great crime of not wanting to be with someone who anymore who stillw anted to be with me.

coastergirl: why do men do that?
me: women do it too.
l: no, we don't.
me: oh come on, haven't you ever knownt hat you had to break up with someobody for one reaosn or another and slept with them one last time anyway, like a goodbye?
l: yes, but that was differrent.
me: how?
l: because he was really self concious.
me: about what?
l: his size. and i didn't want himt o think that i was breaking up with him over that, or that it had anything to do with not enjoying the sex, because it wasn't. it was great.
coastergirl: why are guys so self consious about size anyway? it's not like we care. i mean, sure, every girl has preferreences but it's not like she's going to mad or stop liking him over it.
me: i think the number of women who would kick a guy out of bed for penis size is roughly the same as men who will kick a woman out of bed for breast size.
coastergirl: you've told me that before. i agree.
l: i don't think it's that we dont' care, so much as that it isn't everything. not anywhere close. there are lots of things that are more important to us than that. i mean, the guys i've been with that had my favorite penises, were not the ones i loved the most. not even the ones that were best in bed in every case.
coastergirl: remember david? (david was aguy they had both dated years apart and not knowing the other had dated him, but figured it out later.
l: oh yes, he had a great penis, but wasn't really that good in bed.
coastergirl: i thought he was.
l:; yeah, and that's wierd to me.
coastergirl: he did have a great penis though.
l: yeah he did. it was just right.
coastergirl: it just fit. jason had a great penis too. chris's was okay, but i loved him more than any of the others. before you, obviously (she looked at me). you know whose i didn't like at all
l: who?
coastergirl: jacob. (she looked at me with a look that said she knew we would be talking about that later.
l: why not?
coastergirl: it was just really wierd looking. like, it was big, relaly big, but strange looking, i don't know how to explain it.
l: i've dated some guys like that.
coastergirl: we all have.
l: you know what the worst part of allt his is?
coastergirl: what?
l: i mean, i dnd't love him or anything, but he was really good in bed, and you jsut get accustomed to it, you know? it's always there, and now, more than anything, i just want to get laid.
coastergirl: you can sleep with robert. he's real good at what he does.

everyone laughed. we went about eatting for a few minutes. then i looked up.

me: you said he was self consious. aren't you self-conscious about anything?
l: yeah, i guess so. i dont' really like my stomach.
coastergirl: you have a great stomach.
l: oh thanks, but you dont' have to see me naked.
coastergirl: dont' be so hard on yourself.

this whole line was ironic because coastergirl had always told me that when they used to go out dancing that the guys always tried to hit on L, at least, more than on her. all of that was wierd to me, because i didn't find L all that attractive and coastergirl was gorgeous to me. over the course of time though, i had met many who thought it was the other way around. who can ever tell?

anyway, we went about eatting and chatting about whatever came up. l told us about this guy she went to prom with, that was just like a last minute thing for her and yet he had just assumed he'd get laid. i do wish, like some things, that i could recount the story of this whole encounter the way she told it to us because it had us laughing and feeling bad at the same time, which is rare.

we went home late. the drive home was seperate and so quiet. i heard a few good songs and i'm sure she did the same. we met up at my place. we sat there for a while, quiet, both of us knowing what was coming and half-avoiding it. finally, i was tired of the silnce and so broke it.

me: did you fuck him?
her: no.
me: did you go down on him?
her: yes.
me: and?
her: and what? nothing else happened. i woudn't even let him kiss me. he tired to touch me but i woudlnt' let him.
me: you jsut wlaked intot eh bedroom that night and got on your knees?
it wasn't like that. we were just laying there and talking and stuff and i noticed he was getting hard and i just wanted to...i don't know, i don't knwo why i did it. anyway, it was horrible experience.
me: how so?
her: well, while i was doing it, he just like kept tlaking to me and finally, he was like "have you ever watched a guy jerk off?" and i said "of course" and he was like "you should do it more, you could learn something."
me: that's why you hate him so much.
her: yeah, i jsut thoguht it was disrespectful. rude, you know, i mean, i was sucking the guy's dick and he was totally ungrateful, like i owed it to him or something.
(i shoudl put in here that all of this is silly, because i can tell you that coastergirl knew how to handle a cock. in all my life only two women have ever gotten me off from head and the other one only did once. she did everytime but once, and everytime is a lot.) me: i just don't know why you even did it.
her: i don't know either. i'm sorry.
me: ....
her: don't leave me. please. i know you're upset. please.
me: i love you. you know i do.
her: does that mean we're done?
it means i don't want us to be done. but this is a lot.
her: i told you about it. doesn't that count for something, i mean, it's not like you just found out.
me: i did just find out. just a couppe hours ago, it happened a week ago.
her: you know what i mean.
me: i know.

i suppose, in light of all this i should explain my not so simple opinion of monogomy. as a concept, i don't believe in it. at it's heart, the only distinction between a lover and a best friend is sex. at least if it's a good love and worth having. regulating a basic human urge doesn't make sense to me. it shoudln 't be boxed in. that said, beleiving that, when i am in a relationship, i am there because i dont' want anyone else (not for hte popular esacpe from being alone reason) and so obviously, not wanting anyone else, do not cheat, and never have. i guess i play the line of hope/expect when it comes to the other person feeling the same way or not.

beyond it all else, i loved her, more than sky or sea or tears. more than wind or tides. more than breath. and where was i? where did that leave me?

2004-01-11 | 1:57 p.m.
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