the coastergirl diaries volume forty-nine

yogi and i didn't get to talk that night and it was a week or so before we spoke again. i was up at coastergirl's work sitting in the bar, reading a book and he came in and sat down next to me, usualy grin in tow. we had a conversation about how i felt about coastergirl, about how things were going and i told him she had been so distant lately (her life on another planet). when coastergirl got off work we left together and she had to run and errand so yogi and i sat in my car and listening to music, chatted.

him: i'm really torn right now.
me: over what?
him: i have feelings for coastergirl. i think.
me: what do you mean you think?
him: i'm realy conflicted about it...i mean, to be with her woudl conflict with everything i've been working towards.
me: maybe that's what you need.

in all of my life i have never known anyone so predisoposed to saying things that will lead directly to their own anguish as i am. it is a torturous thing, really. i was quiet for a bit and then told him that the only thing to do was to tell her. thow whole conversation was very wishy washy and uncertain. i think there was this knowing that neither of us were going to be the same after this. at least, reflecting on it, that's how i remember feeling and i think, if you posed the question to him, he would feel the same.

we got a little tired of sitting in the car and wandered into a nearby barnes and noible and walked the aisles talking. he told me how sometimes he irritated him so much and other times he was utterly drawn to her. i told him that the worst miseries in life are the ones you wonder about forever. he seemed to be on the fence about whether or not he agree with me, but we kept talking, stopping occasionally to flip through a passage of this book or that one and talk about it's contents.

the thing i remember so clearly is telling him how he needed to talk to her about it, to know one way or the other. (the idiocy here is that i already knew how she felt, so i was pretty much damning myself), but i said it anyway.

after that we went to meet up with coastergirl and didn't talk about it anymore for the rest of the night. i did tell her about the conversation, though.

2004-06-24 | 4:38 p.m.
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