hope is the new loss

call it just one more day still not thinking about you
glowing without your lightlife
i keep
keep falling and you're never holding the blanket
anymore...

so it's different if i'm lonely, they say
it's extra if i'm trying not to breathe, trying
not to sleep
tonight is not the time
to be here, or
anywhere else without you, and
your changing single malt stares johnny walker logic takes you back to me. so
i've been steady sick since monday
hoping it wouldn't have to be
this way, here
you never add me up to
anything.

where is the math of you?
and where can i find the soul that let's me dry this age old sweat from my brow
i know that somewhere now,
you're falling asleep
and something tells me,
i won't be in your dreams, anymore or ever
again

so i'm careful not to be thinking
clearly, if it's what you want
what you need.

helpless, if you care
wanting, wishing, payoff was a grand street excuse to cry
over you, now without
you.
and your coldheart kama sutra lifestyle
eyes armsstretched, legs above your head
where's the truth in you?
a little less than this, i say
nothing changes me
like you.

nothing saves me
from you, see-through nightie on the floor, see through you, my eyes
dim adjust to dark

hopeless, if you know me
at all
anymore
lantern leaves me cold
staring without you
still isn't the same
as staring before you
since you the wind is never
never trying hard
to go
past.

there's nothing in your diary
you never even scrawled there
your dreams are locked away now
nothing left to talk about
you have dreams of letting us fly
south of you it's colder than ever

parkbirds go now
hands on a counter, i can catch you crying now
little finicky livewire girl
you haven't thighs eneough for me now
handful of chips
meals wirtten on scraps of paper,
you never know, what you'll eat, right?

and it's different 'cus i'm not waiting
it's different 'cus you left me all awake
your hands can't reach me
anymore.

i love you like acid rain, now
leafing through pages i won't throw away but only glance at once a year.
you keep me for no more thoughts,
tell the world you miss me
love me so terribly much
forgiveness is not like a disease you have
and nothing, now here.

got dreamless if you want it
got sleepless if you care, and no one
knows as much as you
about the sound of my breathing
but you can't help but stare
can't help but stare
i hope the view
is good, this time.

so i save you one more laugh drive past your door.

you wanted nothing.

you wanted nothing.

and now you have it, angel of the soft light, glowing like a sandstorm, stealing souls from everyone you meet.

you had every dream to sell, now nothing but a daycare job, and tell them not to drink too much, or
anything,
at all.

and it's hopeless 'cus you don't know
you always did.

you can still paint any picture for me. sell me any painting from the shore, waste any large amount of time, not telling me everything.

i saw you that way
going over not as well as you wanted.
hold on to anything
left to hold on to...your ship's coming, your ships coming
in.

and hope is the new loss me
the world stopped listening when we talked
whoever wanted them to see? whoever thought we'd have pulled through?

give them what they want, dream-baby without a cure for wanting, whatever you want is fine
with me, now.

i know you'll always be there
one last word away
a number in my palm.

and when you're back
when you're back they'll see it through
see you through.
madness is your playtoy
when you wake
your crawling from a moutain of dead souls and dead eyes pulling people from their freeway coffins and setting
it all ablaze.

we'll never be the same till you.

2003-05-02 | 7:10 p.m.
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