lovesong for my father

you promised magic of breaths in and coughs that come from a deep laugh, hysteria, life. i've watched slow motion love fade and speeding cars start fistfights, girls who wiggle their ass (shamelessly) and men with socks stuffed in their shorts: drinking, carousing. wild haired princesses pulling sweat soaked shirts from their bodies, armwrestling championships in bedrooms. i've hit friends with rum bottles and and been hit by two by fours. i've sighed the slow sigh of downing coke addict. i've dribbled at the mouth from too much drink and stoof naked in parking lots falling down, stumbling drunk (gravel rough on my ass). i've watched singers and dancers crawl selfless on their bellies through muck for love and men raise torches for hate. i've watched boys die before their time of sickening diseases, women take the lives of unborn children. i've laughed with old men and cried with young girls. watched films that glorify the darkest parts of our lives and souls and listening hearty-eyed to music that carries you high as god. i've flipped thorugh channels to find nothing on and read books that weren't worth my time. i've been attracted to women of bad reputation and slept with boyfriended girls. i have sinned. i have arched my back in anger, and turned it in lust. i've seen bottle thrown, breaking on carpet over the way a man's eyes were at a woman. i've seen cars that move to fast, and bad drivers, grandmothers who have longsince forgotten that others use the road. i've seen the inside of prisons and walked with tired saints with nothing left to give, to lose. i've watched sincerity turn to dust. i've lost my sincerity. i've had faith and lost it, loved and given up. i've walked away. i've watched women walk away. i've cried in movies and laughed in books. i've listenend intently to someone talk about things i'll never understand. i've heard sermons from mormons, baptists, mass from priests, sat amoung lamas and walked with hindu gods. i've hated god. i've moved on from things that don't concern me. i've put my nose in where it doesn't belong. i've seen women return to physical abuse and men return to mental tyrrants. i've had heroes die and watched enemies live. i've guessed wrong on coin tosses and played too many hands at hold 'em. i've seen saints lie. i've lain with drunken women, drunk. i've been cheated on. i've lied, and been lied to. i've feared and hurried to work when i was running late. i've fired people from jobs they needed. i've hired people who weren't qualified. i've seen people make majesty of menail tasks. i've played dumb and been dumb. i've forgotten anniverseries and left my sunglasses in the car on sunny days. i've slept on beaches and sofas, on water beds. i've woken with women i don't remember and slept with women i'd rather forget. i've watched others do the same. i've broken hearts and had my heart broken. i've felt the wind at my back and the sun on face. i've taken loads from people. i've asked for help and gotten it. i've not given help when it was warranted. i've watched while two people break each other's spirits so far that the demage is irreperable. i've been disprited. i've taken smiles from faces in moments of anger. i've laughed at people falling over, and been laughed at whiel i fell. i've seen mountains and oceans and watched people in love dance. i've watched people fall out of love. i've fallen out of love. i've befriended demons and felt friends like shackles. i've beaten and been beaten. i've won checks so many and grains of sands and lost piles that drown scrooge. i've read dickens and joyce. felt moved by gatsby ands horrified by miller. i've been kinky and been a boring lover. i've been good in bed and tiresome. i've been with women who are both. i've seen beautiful women and ugly men. i've known happiness and shining eyes, the arms of friend. i've forgiven and been forgiven. i've begged and pleaded, not let things go, and dropped them before they've had their due. i've judged unfairly and been judged.

and now, sitting back in this black chair, i see.

i see that you were right when you promised the magic of breathing and professed that life was wide with deep trenches that draw whispers from cowards and shouts from martyrs. you were right when you said life would be up and life would be down. you were right when you said the one i love wont always be the one i get, and the one i get isn't always the one i want. you were right when you said life was full and sweet, but the bitterness could sometimes draw tears. you were right when you said...

2004-06-17 | 9:07 p.m.
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