night and life

today's stereo setting are strangely fitting- bass low treble high rhythm of the morning on repeat i'm trying to sort through yesterday's mess: a vague look onward, my father may be in the opening stages of alzheimers then, or maybe so (as in because of) i slept with a girl whose name i don't know, woke in someone else's bed a good half hour drive from home at three am and i have to work today- i couldn't find my socks, i woke her to tell her i was going (there was no hard feelings, we both knew what it was) and studder-stepped out to the car, half hobbling, still a good bit drunk and got on the 6-3-5 and headed home

most of the way i found myself struggling to not doze off to to sleep, head a little wiry, i smelled like sex and some cop followed me the last two or three miles home. so slopped out of the car (me) and jumbled myslef inside opening the door by turning the knob and leaning against the door, rather than pushing so out of it i was and tripped over something or other ont he floor and fell asleep. i woke an hour later on the floor and climbed up to bed and went outr like a light for the next few hours till i i had to wake for work, which was hard.

my shower was too much work and i kept thinking about things i can't do anything about- our fathersare our supermen, they can do anything and how does one begin to watch one fade into senility, fade from view? i thought about the girl from last night and the way her smile lit up her whole face and how that smile is what locked me in, what kept me there i wanted still want a piece of that joy after a night like this to carry in my hip pocket to make it through to get by and why not? we're just waiting to die anyway, aren't we?

then my thoughts drop into another kind of sadness, one disguised as joy and i feel pretty good for the rest of the morning, heading into work with this old ben christophers tune ("my beautiful demon") stuck in my head a song i havent' heard in so long years maybe more maybe a lot more but hell what are you gonna do about songs that find their own way into your head and then: here i am, sitting, typing, trying to order things so that i can understand them or else maybe at least someone can rattle it down to tidbits and make sense of the rubble.

i forgot to shave this morning.

2004-06-21 | 10:31 a.m.
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