wild horses

sitting here now just then and i was (still am) thinking about how sex is just so much self-congratulation disguised as passion and giving, disguised as love how when (as a man) you put your hands between a woman's legs and it's so nice to feel how wet she is how fine it feels to know that you're why and how when you're inside a woman the finiest of it is the knowing that she wanted you there that you were able to make her want that she wants you- a sense of welf worth comes from it (this is where womanizers come from i believe) and really how different can it be for a woman? surely women feel that same satsifaction to know that a man is hard and losing control over her, that he wants her with all the madness of his soul.

and so we're passionate sexual creatures and somehow, deep down, (like giving to the salvation army guy is really because it makes you feel like a good person) we do it for the shining of our self in our own eyes and i can't help but think how nice it was to be so young and not even be aware of sex in any real way and how much nicer it was before that got in the way of everything anything that matters.

now we're like wild horses, addicted to the things that we're told matter the things that make us feel special feel important rather than the things that matter at all. i miss having all the right things matter. i miss not trying to convince myself that sex was more than it is. i miss when other people didn't do that either. would it really ruin sex all that much if we just admitted it for what it is? it's not like it would go away or we wouldn't want it anymore. i want honesty in my sex. i want the honesty of early youth back. i want sex back from all our self-agrandizing and all our selfish wants and thoughts and needs. i'm bored with selfishness, mine as much as anyone else's. i'm bored with shimmer that turns out to be rust. i'm tired of being bored.

we deserve better than ourselves. what was it tolstoy said about being the change you want to see in the world?

2004-07-03 | 2:04 p.m.
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