would, not if (song for lark)

i found you in the stock footage and held you higher than the sun,
washed you clean and frail, nothing else comes close,
to your wrinkled clothes at dawn and squinted stares, and eyespan wars,
there is still a few things left in your sight, now
but now there's nowhere left to point your two-handed hate pistol
or to hold you up
dear, i sent the moon into orbit
for you.

and left turned right, nightime turns to acetalene wounds and then
the firemen of your eyes
swallow me whole, now it's nothing,
now you're nothing

a picture on a wall, in a pocket, wallet, seal on a stamp
every letter i ever wrote was to you
every word that ever crept long from my arching body came somehow
from you.

so now i have
everything i never wanted, world at the tips of my mind
wisdom to strangle long notions and you
you gave it to me.

and every gift,
every look was one more reason
so many fucking reasons left haunting on the porch and i can't
i can't keep driving straight and looking ahead
and standing beneath endless new shower faucets and sink fixtures
knowing how you would have thought it should have been
arranged just so
lost to a stolen moment in time
worthless, if you wait
and waiting only proves there's nothing left of you to hold.

and nowhere left to think of you that i haven't already been through, doors locked like madness and here
nothing grows
a tired earth, withered plants,
stereo lodged at ten point two
world transfixed
waiting to see, what might become
of me.

so it's a life lived falling down staircases
and misplacing non-existant rage
and i find, nothing now
hate is a dream we never had

but there's you, tender little demoness of a thousand tears and lives a wreckage behind her
always staring into the sun.
and laying beneatht he stars was never so much
fun.

i know a place now, a anme for every instant we never had
ever had
every life we meant to so much to live through
make it through

i hope you're still shimmery.

i know you're still shimmery.

you were always shimmery and new

but damn, you fuck
fuck like a vampire working crowd control
and no one in your world leaves soul intact.

listless left for you and now, jesus,
who puts humpty back together?

and the harsh knob twists in
deeper into the bedroom wound wars left without a cry to shake loose from skin smooth with sweat and need,
where do they hide the rest of you? tragi-comedy girl and her entourage of lost souls lost lives worlds in ruin
and it's you,
about you
everyhting left is not
what is could be.

hell, you could save us with a thought.
make it all run thin, blood run dry, tears wept from our eyes
minds, nothing else would ever need to smile like you.

give me ten instants and i'll tell you why it never gets old to
jabber jabber on. and you make me
you make me
listen to sap shit
and waste time.

so look here, i know you're seeing this,
out there in the ether
eyes barely shut, another world building thick and coming home was never an option for you.

home was never the place
to be.

i see you now, tangerine heart soul queen, all your damaged goods,
all your squandered could-have-been long list lifetimes left
on doorsteps
but i'de have

i'de have followed you into hell.

2003-05-04 | 10:02 p.m.
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