advice on jet lag

it was daybreak and the earth was falling over me, light shafted on my forehead i knew it would all go well.

i remember the last time i slept too little and was falling asleep not thinking of anyone or anything. maybe i was lonely. maybe the only time we really fall asleep is when we're lonely. i remember having a million dreams and thoughts and words dribbling on a page in a world in a way i never knew there was. i wanted to sleep. i knew it was best. but i didn't have it in me. i didn't have what it took to sleep.

it's easier to sleep when you're lonely.

i was smiling this evening standing in the dark shadows cast long from the bookstore from the counters. preston 6-3-5. preston 6-3-5, where are you now? a thousand pages written in blood in my blood and the only things i need is a little way to fall in love a little way to feel alive again.

but i'm alive now. and waiting. there's a miracle at every doorstep. children are laughing all the time, and sooner or later, the sun will set and i'll know it's for the best. i'll know it's for all the things i want to believe in think about hope for lust for.

i can think of sex only in abstract boring ways now. it's all arms waving elbows on hair bumped heads leg pulled up too far, etc.

there are so many oscillating worlds now, wrapping warm arms around me, it's never cold when you love the one you're with or whent he sun never goes down on anything you want or need.

i'm alone now, but not lonely. i'm clambering outwards in a thousand directions and finding home at the very end of the breeze at the end of a thought. i find parables in math equations now. i see miracles in the waterlines of the shower. there's momentum now and i can only be audacious.

i'm finished with insipid love afffairs and late night calls to no one in particular. at least tonight i am. i through with needing, not needing. i'm through with need. i'm through with anything not made of all the slicing and splendors of the light spectrum.

i can see the world. it has only cankers and corruption left to offer us but we can change all that. i can last without having anyone tell me it will be alright at this point. i can laugh without there being anyone else to hear the jokes i tell.

i want new plagues. plagues of comfort. plagues of lack of lust. plagues of dream sequence after effect conciousness. haven't we had enough action and reaction to break it all back down to the soothing sounds of rainfall? haven't we had enough time, been given enough daylight hours with which to tell a little bit of truth.

i've grown weary of pestilence and greed and wasted tic tic toc the clock falls away from us and time lets us know we're going no where and we know it's true.

i see truth running across our bodies flesh falling away from our minds lettting loose the rot and burning it dry and leaving us with one day only to gravitate towards the one thing we need most. to stumble slump spin our way into the new world where we can all see at night we can all stop needing to be in good company in bad company be loved and realize we've always been everything we could ever dream of.

i've always been every dream every dreamt. i will always be every thought you've ever had.

i am every man you've ever slept with. i've had ever orgasm you've ever known. i am every last drop of water in the desert man's canteen. i am the last of the last, first of the many somewhere in the middle of a long line of somethings nothings everythings coming so fast what are we supposed to believe?

i feel water on my scalp and i throw my arms up and out surrender weightless and know i am falling i will always be falling and i know i know that's the way i'll always want it.

i'm taking refuge in the stormdrains of life. i'm running for cover in charlie's back yard. i'm holing up in the ivory tower of time. i'm reading all the instruction manuals for how to survive the end of time and i know it won't come. i'm breathing easy stopgapped eyes wide in wonder, another leaf falls low to the ground, another blade of grass spouts forth. and i can feel it's heartbeat. i can feel every movement for lifetimes lightyears' walk. i'm splattering the blood of all the lives i've lived shaking dust from my heels rustling the world from slumber rumbling back to life out of hiding hibernation resolves nothing. i can trickle it all forward dribble plop dribble plop dribble plop there goes another truth another life to live another minute i wouldn't miss for any heaven you could spring from this cage for.

2002-11-23 | 8:36 p.m.
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