i'll tell you why i don't want to know where you are

i have always sat lougning at the perils of a futrue doorstep blustering soap box fantasy colds at miracle workers locked in gift socks christmas stocking santa claus provides us with an excuse to go on but i don't want their ways any more i wond't want to believe they don't mean it.

i was writing here to all of you all of this seeling folk tales by the dozen meaning everything i meant and forgetting the rest.

we have love in mindfields and sex in parks and are in love with our own originality.

we love afterlife dreams and tell ourselves that everything will solve itself if only we can sign our name to the lamb's book if only we can ask it. it shouldn't be that easy.

i choose instead to love the creatures of above below scattered faith heavy doses of irony and long lasting eye flutters.

i can read volumes from candle flickers and sliver down truth whittle it away from masses of injustice love for all the givers taker standers sinners wakers sleepers wealkers talkers wheelers dealers saints and slughter house engineers serial killers school teachers janitors bath house attendants ball park hot dog runners the guy who scream "peanuts!" and people in love with video game femmes.

i choose rather to let fall fly scramble outwards in all directions a lust list of all those who have ever thought or breathedd or moved in any direction at all i can see no other way than this.

with shivering skins and ruffled covers draggin heavy across the edge of the bed it is always best to be in love with them. in love with the punk rockers rude boys swing dancers out of fashion chemists it is all so grand when you put it in perspective.

i want more lifetimes on love's soapbox. no mroe wasted tears for a single fake love world i think it's love to abandon the world for one person? how can love be directed at one person only? maybe self love self obsession. obsessed with the way someone makes me feel makes me look otherwise, where are the new sunsets for us to photograph?

maybe we don't need new sunsets. maybe we don't need to have a steady lover a wife husband melacholy life threatening situations.

i am only thankful now.

thankful that i haven't lived a lifetime under these lies. thankful i haven't had to succumb weightless to it all.

so i love them all at once all for now all forever all at once all at last and remembering nothing about it all remembering only the end result only that i got here arms open love alive eyes misty wet fingertips dew on my toes i know i'll be clean as long as i can laugh at it all laugh and love and fall in the green grass alone and together with anyone everyone there is no need for one to be one or two to be two i can love and i do here and now across the earth i remember putting weight to my fingers and slapping them down wanting words to come out wanting to spill forth this wisdom this truth that lie all the things i hope go away fast enough soon enough i mean to tell you all i love but i can't fit it within the folds of a page.

2002-11-24 | 9:34 p.m.
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