my easter rebellion

"if my aim is to prove that i am "enough," the project goes on to infinity- because the battle was already lost on the day i conceded the issue was debatable."
- nathaniel branden

on thursday afternoon (weighed down), i got the obligatory "holiday call" which basically consists of my parents calling me to tell me that i will attend church with them on whichever holiday is up and coming. this holiday was easter and so my father asked me if i wanted to go. i told him i would be happy to meet them at their place for a meal in the evening but would prefer not to go to church with them (baptist, i might add). none of that is remarkable except that this time the answer i gavce was enough for him and he replied with a kind and careful "i won't make you go."
i was so pleased with his progress as a person that i turned to a friend of mine who was at my place at the time and told him about how proud i was of my father's growth in the arena of accepting that we don't see eye to eye when it comes to religion. it was a bright and shining moment in a dull and droning day.
the next day i got a four hour guilt trip from him before i finally conceded, telling him that i would go because it was important to him.
and so sunday chased me down and sunday found me dressing in semi formal wear and heading out to church.
hopefully, most of you have been spared baptist teachings in your life so i'll sum up the sermon. the pastor told the easter story (a guy died and then maybe didn't and so therefor, he is our only hope for the future) and then followed it with the all-too-neccessary prayer telling the congregation to bow their heads and repeat the prayer after him. the prayer went something to the effect of "lord, i know i am worhtless and unredeemable, but, you know, maybe you'll take pity on me."
driving home, my stomach was curdling to an actual ache and it isn't hard to know why.
i take it as a given that an adult has to accept personal responsiblity for what they choose to and not to believe in, but there were children in this room.
when a person steps up to a podium (especially in a religious or moral position of any kind), they are accepting the responsibility that at least some people there are going to believe what they are saying and this is not a small responsiblity. and this fucker was up there telling children (children!) that they have no value and never will. he was telling them with every breath that they were shit and that if, by some mistake or kindness, god took pity on them, they were in good fortune. he was telling them that everyone starts at a negative and no matter how hard they work, they will always be a negative with no hope of recovery. and do you know why? because of something that supposedly happened 700 some-odd generation ago. that's why they were worthless: because a couple people ate fruit. but, he was also saying, you're in luck, because if you just say the magic words (or, the christian equivalent of "abracadabra") that now, they would still be shit, but at least they were relieved of all personal responsiblity for their actions. he was telling them that a bad deed subtracts from their value, but no good deed can add to it.
this particular pastor has been preaching for about 15 years which means that he's graduated a generation or so into the population he codemns so fiercly. this was a generaztion of children he had programmed to believe they were shit and so was everything else and then he was standing there wondering why people behaved as if nothing mattered. i am flabbergasted that such people exist! i am boggled by the fact that someone would preach something and then bitch that people believe it.
in the last few months, three of my closest friends on planet earth have had children (or are about to) and i kept thinking about how these kids will spend their entire lives in a world where people tell them that they are worthless.
this morning, on my way to work, i stopped to get gas and in front of me in line was a woman and her child (four, maybe five) and for a moment, i had to control myself to keep from grabbing him by the shoulders and shouting to him: "hey, don't buy into this bullshit! you are limited by nothing but the limits you place on yourself. you can do anything! you're starting with an A in the class of life and it's up to you to fuck it up or raise the bar." i didn't. i called yogi and mia and told them i loved them. i have more calls to make. i know that they will be good parents. i know that they will teach the fundamentals of cause and effect, karma, sensibility, the value of right as opposed to the disvalue of wrong. i know they will teach their child that what you think about expands and if you think of your own ability and the actions you choose to take to fulfill that potential then that is what will expand. i know they'll teach that what you believe is the gravity of your soul: it will pull you to it, up or down, it's up to you. and i'm glad for that.
two down. six billion to go.


2005-03-28 | 6:48 p.m.
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