no other life

i can't help it now. it's spilling out in rants and raves and people sitting crosslegged beneath neon lights talking about john fante and drinking from a bottle of wine.

i find myself leaning back steady glance across the earth, i can hear a steel guitar in the background and i know it's going away.

every moment everywhere is dying. is fading back into the giant moshpits of life. i have no regaurd now. no regaurd for places or things or times or days spent in the sun. i can only think about sitting beneath the neon lights and reading fante aloud to friends. it's the only thing that matters now.

it's the only thing i've been thinking about all day. the only things that's crossed my mind in any three dimensional way.

i've been looking out the window seeing people laughing in a distant way. seen people moving subtle and graceful some clumsy into their homes off the balcony where the children play.

someone has plants on their patio. a strange assortment of green life billowing from the slopes downward that are all of our lives. i'm snatching dreams from the air and pulling them into my pocket thinking about the last time it rained. i was lingering on the patio listening to people bustleing about, scurrying into their doors to get out of the rain, watching them fold their umbrellas carefully closed before stepping into the world that is only theirs.

i know it's all the same all the same to all of us. we all have our days and ups and little falters our friends stand by watch us fall fall with us some of them, and i know it will all come together at some point. i know the windows will be washed over and the way we see things will be cleaned until we can see so far through everything we can see forever.

the children are throwing a frisby in the grassy area outside my window laughing james iha and nina gordon duet is on. it's time for all the children to come out and play. come out from their hibernation holes filled with school papers and notes written from friends and "please check yes if you like me" notes. they can step alive outdoors now in the slight cold and throw frisbees and laugh louder than they're normally aloud because it's time to celebrate. it's time for them to be alive. the calendar says so.

i'm enjoying the sounds of it. enjoying the soft music in the background. enjoying the sounds of children playing. enjoying the thought of reading fante. enjoying enjoyment enjoying just for the sake if itself.

i wonder if there could ever be a world to match this one. with it's harsh green and snowflakes falling and acid rain and clouds covering overhead thick and cottony, and mountians spewing forth hot bile and ash. with it's murders in the street and muggings, with it's diamond rings six months pay saved on one knee asking someon eto spend their life with him.

i wonder if there's anything any other world has to offer that cannot be taken dry and breathing from here. i wonder if there's anything i could find on some other plain i can't find here.

i'll be blamed for what happens in my friend's lives. i'll be blamed for other people's actions, but it's all worth the trade. it's all worth it here and now and this in exchange for that. i remember not being blamed. i remember just being.

it'd be easier not to be the one that's blamed, but where would the fun lie?

people everywhere have the wrong ideas about love, they have the wrong ideas about life and happiness. happiness isn't about having someone to share it with, happiness is just there, or it isn't.

but i love those wrong ideas. i love those sad decrepit ones who can't understand a word they speak let alone the ones another speaks.

i love teenage films like the lost boys and say anything. i love that i can still watch them and smile and enjoy the parts i always enjoyed.

i love that i can watch things and hear things and feel textures on my skin and smell have hidden sensations benath my skin.

give this world before any other.

no other life than this.

2002-11-27 | 3:07 p.m.
0 comments so far